


my lost heart

by closingdoors



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Time Babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-14 08:17:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5736367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why bring her here, River? You haven’t visited before. This isn’t just – surprise! You’re a grandmother. It never is that simple when it comes to you and The Doctor.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. periphescence

**Author's Note:**

> Don't leave me, even for an hour, because  
> then the little drops of anguish will all run together,  
> the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift  
> into me, choking my lost heart.
> 
> \-- Don’t Go Far Off, Pablo Neruda
> 
> Takes place sometime after TATM for both River and The Doctor.

Amy is waiting like she used to, blanket over her shoulders, in the garden.

It’s the 1950s now, the lines around her mother's eyes prominent. River’s hearts should not ache so fiercely as they do at the sight of her ageing. She knows that her mother is human, she will grow old and wither and die, has seen her graveyard in New York so very long ago. She has always known that she will outlive her – River herself is probably already far older than this version of Amy.

Still. It hurts. Watching it happen.

“I thought you’d find a way,” Amy says quietly. “To come back and find us, I mean.”

River shifts the bundle of blankets in her arms, holding the baby to her chest gently. 

“Why haven’t you come before? Before now?” Amy almost sounds tired.

River takes a step back. Perhaps she should go.

“It was hard to judge when it would be safe, when time travel here wouldn’t threaten to rip the fabric of time apart.” 

Amy nods, tracing her fingers around the rim of her wine glass. Her nails painted a perfect red before she lets her hand fall back to her lap, fisting in her knee-length skirt. The fashion almost suits her. Her hair pinned back, still magnificently red, a bold lipstick colouring her small smile. One thing that she has always been grateful for is that her mother and her father have been allowed to live; to be happy. From what she has read, from what The Doctor has told her himself, not all of his companions are so lucky. At least there's this.

“And – The Doctor? Does he know that he can come here?”

River steps up behind her mother, shifting the baby so that she can squeeze Amy’s shoulder with one hand. She relaxes beneath it, cheek pressing against the back of her daughter’s hand.

“Almost twenty years, River. How long has it been for you?”

River smiles, pressing her lips to her daughter’s hair.

“A great deal longer than that, mother.”

Finally, Amy turns. 

She almost doesn’t look surprised to see her daughter standing behind her, holding a baby in her arms. Instead of saying anything, Amy stands, reaching to pull the blanket away from the baby’s face so that she can see her properly – smiles in delight when she finally does.

“Her name is Neve,” River tells her, gazing down at her daughter with a smile. 

“And she’s… She’s yours?”

“Yes, she is,” River says, and Amy grabs her elbow, pulls her towards the chairs. They sit together and Neve fusses, refusing to settle until River has stroked a finger along her daughter’s cheek. “And you know who the father is, so don’t you dare ask.”

Amy sips her wine, humming. “Why bring her here, River? You haven’t visited before. So this isn’t just – surprise! You’re a grandmother. It never is that simple when it comes to you and The Doctor.”

River shifts Neve, offering her to her grandmother who accepts her happily. Presses one of her long fingers against her nose and watches her squirm, small fists reaching out and trying to catch that finger. Motherhood suits her. It's a shame that she never really had a chance before - River has never wanted this chance herself. Still, the absence of her daughter in her arms hurts, her skin cold without Neve's warmth. 

"I can't keep her."

Amy's head snaps up, eyes wide. "You what?"

"She's human," River states, reaching out to let Neve curl her fist around her pinky finger. "Not human plus, like me. There's no Time Lord in her."

"But that's - " Amy frowns. "No, you must - "

"I double checked. I tripled checked. I wanted - " River pauses, pressing her lips together, letting her finger slip from Neve's grasp. "She's human. And even if she hadn't been, I guess, really, I still couldn't keep her. You know the name The Doctor has made for himself. You know what the universe would do if they ever found out he had a child - how many enemies he's made, oh, they would rip time apart and use her as leverage so that he'd never stop them. And he - he would be so dangerous because of her."

"River," Amy's voice is quiet, hoarse, tears springing to her eyes. "Please tell me he knows about her."

Neve gurgles, fists pushing into the air.

"He can never know," River says, pushing her tremblings hands into her pockets. "You have to keep her and he can never know. She would destroy him."

"I don't understand, River, you can't just leave her here," Amy shifts Neve, reaches out to grip River's arm. "He would want to know about her. He deserves to know."

"Mother... she's human. Why do you think he hasn't ever come back here? You're older now, too old to be whisked away on adventures; you and Rory's time in the TARDIS is over. He would never come back just to watch you age. That's not how he works. He's a stubborn old man who refuses to acknowledge what hurts him. This - his child - a human child - would tear him apart. No regenerations, one heart, human lifespan. Fragile."

Amy wipes her tears away with the back of her hand. "You can't regenerate anymore, either - he still loves you."

"Maybe he does," River agrees quietly. "But this is different. The Doctor and I, we - well, one day I will meet a version of him who has never met me before, and one day, for him, I will grow younger and younger, until I am not in his life at all. And then he'll swagger off, back to his TARDIS, find someone new to run with, and there will be no goodbye - he escapes that, mother. He doesn't escape that with her."

A lock of Amy's hair falls loose from its pins, curling against her cheek and catching her tears. She gazes down on Neve.

"She looks just like you did, you know? When you were born - when you were Melody," Amy murmurs. "You'll come visit her, yeah?"

"Mother - "

"I won't take her. I won't take her unless you promise me you'll come back sometimes and see her. She deserves that, River. She didn't ask to be left on my doorstep like she wasn't wanted."

River feels her hearts pinch, almost stuttering in her chest. She looks down at her daughter in her mother's arms, her eyelids droopy now with sleep. She wants more time, but she can't. She can't. And Neve is not old enough - and maybe she never will be - to understand why her mother has been forced to make such a horrid decision, why she will have to go and run through the stars and distract herself on expeditions and attempt to forget that she ever gave birth to life. Neve - so beautiful, so fragile. River hesitates, wants to hold her one more time, rock her gently to sleep. 

She does not reach for her daughter.

"Of course she was wanted," River says fiercely. "Don't you dare let her believe anything other than that, mother."

Amy narrows her eyes. "That is your job, River."

"Fine. Fine, I promise. I'll come back. Someday."

Amy smiles. "I can't wait to see Rory's face when he gets back. He'll probably faint."

River chuckles through her tears. "Oh, most definitely."

She stands, unable to look at her daughter for one more moment. Amy catches her hand as River begins to set co-ordinates in her Vortex Manipulator, forces her to turn back.

"How old is she?"

"Three weeks," River tells her hoarsely. "She's three weeks old."

And then she's gone.

\-----

The first time she happens across The Doctor after giving Neve away, he is young.

He's all nerves and blushes around her. Attempts to flirt with her like children do in a schoolyard. Still, when he takes her hand and encourages her to run after they accidentally rescue a human girl in the middle of a Novakarian sacrifice, she almost wants to stop and ask him - Do you remember the night before I left after Manhattan? Do you remember how we were so desperate, we didn't even think to use protection? Well, sweetie, perhaps we should've...

But of course, this hasn't happened for him yet. Her mother and father are asleep on the TARDIS and he has no idea that they will ever leave him for 1930s New York. So she runs with him, saves the day, marvels at the things he is capable of - and at the end of it all, when there is finally peace and he's stood beside that beautiful blue box, he asks her to join him, and she leaves without a goodbye kiss.

\-----

"River! Have you seen my Jammie Dodgers?"

"I haven't the faintest idea where they are, my love," River says, closing her bedside drawer with her elbow as he peers beneath the bed for the packet. Honestly, she questions his age sometimes, because he so often behavs as though he were really six years old. She'd bumped into him - her him, her husband - and had thought perhaps she'd finally be able to get some rest beside the man she loved. And yet, the minute she had climbed into bed, weary and tired from missing Neve and bruises after a close encounter with a Dalek, he'd whipped out a packet of the biscuits and got crumbs all over the bed. God, he could be so infuriating.

He pouts. "I had three left in the packet! Did you eat them?"

"Sweetie, in what world would I ever eat your Jammie Dodgers?" 

"Well, there is in fact a planet where the locals suffer from an insatiable appetite. Of course, they all die very early compared to the typical human lifespan - diabetes and heart conditions, mainly - but if I took you for a day or two I can guarantee you you'd eat as many Jammie Dodgers as me. Well, provided that there are Jammie Dodgers there, if not then I bet you'd really warm to fish fingers and custard - "

River sighs, letting her head drop back down on her pillow and closing her eyes. "I am not going to a planet that will ruin my figure, Doctor. That is quite possibly the worst idea you've had yet."

"I thought the worst idea I'd ever had was when we both ended up in Numidia at the same time as Cleopatra."

"Not helping your case, sweetie."

Sleep begins to tug at the back of her mind when he falls silent. She feels him shift in the bed beside her, and she almost thinks that he's about to get up, too full of energy to continue laying beside her for one more moment. Instead, his fingers drift against the curve of her waist lightly, his lips brushing against her forehead.

"Are you okay, River?"

It's quite possibly the first time he's ever asked her that.

She opens her eyes to find him studying her tenderly. She always misses him like this, when he looks at her as though she's worth more than anything else in the universe. Too often, he makes her feel the opposite.

"I'm fine, sweetie."

His thin eyebrows tug together. "You just - you seem sad. Is it because I said you could only stay until I go and pick Clara up? Because you know I was joking, time travel allows - "

"Doctor," she rests her hand against his cheek. She does not think about the fact that Neve has the same colour eyes as this incarnation of him. "I'm fine. I'm just tired."

"Well then, dear," he says, leaning down to kiss her. "Sleep."

\-----

It is when she is alone that she finally decides to go back and see Neve.

Although it has been two, long torturous months for her, she knows that she could go back to the day after she dropped Neve off and take her back, change her mind. She really, really could - even though it wouldn't be for the best. 

She doesn't.

She appears on Amy's doorstep for - what is for her parents and Neve - a month after she had first dropped her daughter off. Her father is the one that answers the door, all bumbling and awkward when he greets her with Neve in his arms. Doesn't know how to co-ordinate his daughter and his granddaughter, and River understands. After all, Rory had never known how to parent her. Amy had adjusted, adopted some sort of role as her mother, but Rory had always looked at her as though she were just a stranger, as though he was waiting for his real daughter to appear. He had been far more paternal to her when she had been Mels. 

Still, she understands. Rory Williams is over two thousand years old. It shouldn't have been an unusual wish for him to have a daughter he could raise linearly, who would not look older than him, who did not have two hearts and killed people without blinking.

"We were, uh - just about to feed her," Rory says, cradling the back of Neve's head. Downy blonde hair dusts covers her now. "Come in."

Her father leads her through to the living room, where Amy is knitting a blanket. He settles beside her, picking up a bottle of milk from where he'd left it on the table and begins feeding Neve. Amy watches her with a smile.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to keep away," her mother says. 

River sits opposite them nervously, eyes transfixed on her daughter. "I see you're fully embracing the role of grandmother."

"Oi! Knitting isn't a grandmother thing," Amy says, laughing. "It's cool. Anyway, I'm making Neve a blanket."

"It's her fourth attempt," Rory tells River.

"Third!" Amy interjects. "Besides, it was you who ruined the second one, you stood on it with your muddy boots." 

"Who leaves a half-finished blanket on the floor?"

"I do! Neve was crying, I told you."

Rory laughs as Amy scowls at him, Neve happily continuing to drink in his arms. It's almost - it's what they should've had, with her. They look like the perfect happy family. All of this that her daughter has River did not. 

She folds her hands in her lap as her jaw clenches. She is okay. She can do this. It's what Neve deserves.

"Would you like to feed her?" Rory asks when River has been quiet for too long, eyes piercing hers. He has always been the understanding one, almost a little too understanding.

Neve has finished half the bottle when River looks back down at her in Rory's arms. Her little girl is oblivious; loves her grandparents for keeping her warm and fed and happy. And oh, how she has grown. Already looks like she'll be a gangly thing like The Doctor. 

"No," River decides. "I think I'm - I think I'm fine just watching."

Amy opens her mouth to protest but Rory nudges her, shaking his head.

Later, when she leaves, she almost kisses her daughter's forehead.

\-----

The next time she visits, Neve is able to sit on her own

"She's been doing that since she was - I don't know, three and a bit months old," Amy tells her, waving a hand. "Rory says that's a little early, but I'm not surprised. After all, she's your daughter. It makes sense that she's clever."

"How old is she now?" River asks, staring at her daughter who is attempting to stack toy bricks. She manages two before her lack of co-ordination knocks the top one off.

"Four months," Amy replies. "It's a good thing she's cute, too - there's a young girl, Poppy, who works as a receptionist at Rory's hospital. She's totally taken with her, always making her clothes and offering to look after her when I visit Rory during his lunch hours."

River's eyes dart away from her daughter to her mother. "How long has she been working there?"

"Don't worry. Rory and I were suspicious at first, too, but she'd been working there for at least three months before you gave us Neve," Amy tells her, reaching over to squeeze her hand. "But if you're that worried, you could come meet her. Rory finishes in about an hour, I was going to swing by the hospital with Neve and take him out to dinner. Join us."

River swallows. How would they introduce her? A friend of the family? No, she isn't ready for their reality - strolling around with Neve and telling others that she's their daughter, while their real daughter and mother of the child walks behind them looking older than the pair of them and cruelly distant from Neve. She can deal with visits, with seeing that her parents are happy and that Neve is happy too. But she cannot deal with their real, everyday lives - she cannot deal with having a daughter who will never know her as her mother. Never understand why she couldn't roam through the stars like the two generations of Pond before her.

"No, I - I have a job to get to," River shakes her head. "I should go."

"Wait, I got you something!"

Amy rushes off into the kitchen, leaving her alone with Neve. Her daughter is chewing on her own fist, staring at her curiously. Oh, how she's already beginning to grow. Developing a nose just like hers, her curly hair growing thicker, limbs long and thin like her father. River finds herself drifting off of the sofa to kneel in front of her, stroking her index finger against Neve's chin.

"Hello, Neve," she whispers. The baby lets her fist fall from her mouth to smile gummily at her.

"I'd given up on making her a blanket - not my fault, the stupid needles wouldn't work right - so I've been thinking about what I could get her so I got you two matching lockets, hers has a picture of you in it and yours - oh."

Amy stops in the doorway, staring at the two of them. River stands hastily, taking the locket Amy is holding out to her as her mouth hangs open slightly. Inside is a picture of Neve, probably recent, black and white and a little faded. Probably the best they could do with the technology of this era. She clasps it around her neck quickly and begins inputting co-ordinates into her Vortex Manipulator.

"River... Stay. For a little while."

"I can't," River says, clearing her throat and desperately looking at anything other than Neve. 

"I know what you're going through," Amy tells her. "You were taken from me as a child and I never got you back, not really. You grew up all by yourself. And that's fine - but still, I take what I can get. I don't want you to go through that too, living for the rare moments you see your child."

"Mother - "

"For me then. Melody, stay for me."

"Maybe another time," River says, watching Amy's face fall. She looks away until the Vortex Manipulator transports her to her makeshift home on Luna.

\-----

The Doctor laughs as they collapse back inside the TARDIS, the heavy sounds of Sontaran gunfire still continuing outside. 

"I didn't even pick the restaurant and we still managed to get involved in the middle of a civil war," he says, almost giddy with excitement as he taps her on the nose before bounding over to the console. "You can't blame me for that anymore! I told you we were just cursed."

"Well dear, it normally helps if you land in the correct century - which we would've done if you had let me drive," she replies dryly, rolling her eyes as she reaches the console and turns the stabilisers on. 

"Oi! Rude!"

He kisses her cheek as he breezes past her, letting her drive this time. She lets them drift among the stars two galaxies and a century away from where they had just been. 

When she turns to him, she finds him rooting through her knapsack, tossing various items over his shoulder.

"Sweetie, has anybody ever told you that your rudeness isn't the slightest bit endearing?"

"You have, several times, if I recall correctly. Unless you haven't yet - in which case, spoilers," he mumbles. "I'm looking for my fish fingers. I know you took them when I wasn't looking - just because they were cooked in a radioactive microwave by a Slitheen does not mean that they've been spoiled."

"Honestly, you are impossible," she remarks, moving past him and headed towards the kitchen.

She pauses when he calls her name, rolling her eyes to turn back to him with a quip on the tip of her tongue until she spots him staring at her curiously with the small blanket she'd bought for Neve two days ago in his hands. For once, she's speechless.

"Why do you have a blanket?" He asks, as if it's the most ludicrous thing in the world. He presses it against his nose, sniffing carefully. "It smells like Earth. Thirtieth century?"

River stalks over to him, ripping the blanket from his hands and cradling it against her chest. It's so soft - one of the first things she had noticed about it. She hadn't even meant to buy one at all, really, she had only been looking through the market for a set of earrings for her mother's birthday. But after she had remembered Amy's failed attempts at knitting Neve a blanket, she had been drawn towards the stall, and the moment she had picked up the soft yellow fabric she had known there was no way she was going to leave without buying it. 

"River?"

The locket beneath her clothing burns against her chest. She grabs the knapsack from him, carefully folding Neve's blanket before setting it back in there closing it, not bothering to look for the other items he'd tossed away. No doubt the TARDIS will make them show up in her room next time that she's here.

"Why are you - I only picked you up three hours ago!" The Doctor protests as she lifts her knapsack onto her shoulder, pulling her vortex manipulator from her pocket and strapping it onto her wrist. "At least let me drop you home."

Tears sting her eyes as she activates the manipulator. "I'd rather not end up getting home a hundred years late, Doctor."

\-----

She goes straight to Neve and her parents.

Amy answers the door with the sound of swing music coming from down the hall, make up perfect and a party dress on, her jaw dropping. "River! We didn't realise you were coming, we're hosting a party for my birthday - "

"I should go - "

"No! Don't you dare!" Amy reaches out and grabs her wrist, pulling her inside the house. "You're crying, probably because of The Doctor, and it's my birthday. You're staying, Melody Pond, whether you like it or not."

"Your guests - "

"Can handle to be without me for a little while," Amy finishes, smiling gently. "C'mon, I'll grab you some tissue and we can go sit in Neve's room. Nobody will bother us there."

Her mother drags her upstairs and to the bathroom, spending ten minutes fixing River's make up even as she insists she should just wipe all of it off. Despite her protests, River finds the moment nice. Soft. There's the muted sound of the music from downstairs. Amy's skirt brushes against River's knees as Amy reapplies River's mascara with a smile. Her earlier anxieties begin to ease, her chest relaxing and hearts no longer pounding. When Amy finishes, spinning on the spot so that her skirt flares out and laugihng, River finds herself smiling easily and pulling the blanket she'd bought for Neve from her knapsack. 

She hasn't seen Neve's nursery before. Has carefully avoided it. But she has to admit, as her mother opens the door ahead of her and leads her in, it doesn't hurt as much as she thought it would. 

The walls are a soft shade of cream, TARDIS blue bunting pinned up along the wall Neve's crib is pressed against. In the opposite corner is a white rocking chair with yellow stars painted on it, probably her mother's handiwork. The curtains are pulled closed so that a small nightlight that projects small stars onto the ceiling is the only source of light.

River stops when she reaches the side of Neve's crib, finding her daughter already sitting and watching her there.

Her parents had given her the stars.

"This is lovely," Amy says softly, trailing her hands across the blanket River is holding. "Way better than what I was attempting."

River laughs. "I meant to get you a birthday present. I - I found this instead and completely forgot. I'm sorry - "

"Nah uh," Amy waves a finger at her. "No apologising. You being here is enough. For Neve, too."

Without warning, Amy reaches into the crib, lifting Neve and offering her to River. They stay standing like that for a minute, Amy watching her daughter carefully, until Neve begins to squirm uncomfortably and her face pinches up to cry. River's arms come up to hold her daughter automatically, cradling her to her chest and hushing her as she rocks. 

God, she's so much heavier than she used to be. Yet, still, this warmth is so familiar. To those nights so long ago back when it was just the two of them on Luna, before she had been ready to let her go. When she had spent hours watching Neve sleep knowing that she would never be able to raise her the way she deserved, give her the life that she should have. Now, River studies her daughter intently - so much time has passed. She keeps missing it. The every day. All of this time, so much time - she will have so much more time in this universe than her daughter ever will - and she is wasting it by staying away. 

"How's this, hm?" River hums, settling in the rocking chair and letting Neve grab her blanket. "See? There's nothing to cry about."

She feels her mother's hand on her shoulder. "She's missed you."

River blinks away her tears. "How old is she?"

"Eight months. How... How long has it been for you?"

River smiles wryly. "Ten months."

Amy leans down and kisses her forehead, making her hold her breath. "Come downstairs later, if you want. Rory would love to see you."

"Yes... Maybe."

Amy presses a last kiss to Neve's cheek as she finally settles in her mother's arms, before leaving the room, closing the door behind her. Leaving the two of them alone.

Neve has pulled the edge of the blanket into her mouth, chewing on it to soothe her teething pains. River smiles down at this small human she has created. What does it matter that she knows she will outlive her? What does it matter that, if anyone were to discover Neve, she would be placed in danger immediately? Here, now, they are safe, below the stars her parents have given them.

\-----

The next time she bumps into The Doctor is two weeks after. He's been looking for her.

He turns up at five in the morning in her garden. She recognises the noise of the TARDIS, followed by his sigh as he accidentally steps in her flowerbed. River groans, rolling over as she hears him pick the lock - can the man really not just remember to bring the key she gave him? - of her front door and not-so-quietly tip toe to her bedroom.

He pokes his head around the door, wincing when he sees her awake. "I woke you up, didn't I?"

"Don't you always?" She responds before snuggling further into the bed. "If you're here to take me on an adventure, you'll have to wait. I've only had five hours sleep over the past seventy-two hours, which would even be pushing it if I were you."

"I'm not - you go ahead, sleep away," he says, clumsily waving his hands around before he starts taking his shoes off. "I could do with some sleep too, or a Jammie Dodger, I haven't decided yet."

River snorts. "Late night adventures with Clara?"

He sheds his jacket, bowtie and braces and slips into bed beside her. She wraps her arms around him instantly, tucking herself into his side. 

"I've been trying to find you, actually. You're bloody hard to find, you know that?"

She chuckles. "Psychopath, sweetie. One of the first things I had to learn was how to hide if I didn't want to be found."

The Doctor rolls his eyes, pulling her in tighter to his side. "Well, that's not so useful when your husband is trying to find you. I mean - I don't know that this is the you I saw before - have we - I mean, do you own a blanket?"

River closes her eyes, breathing him in deeply. 

"You came looking for me?"

"Right away."

She smiles against his shirt.

"I overreacted. I shouldn't have left, sweetie, I'm sorry."

"No, no, I - " The Doctor pauses. "I understand that there are... things we don't tell each other. You have a life when you are away from me, just as much as I have one when I am away from you. Time travel, it's..."

He doesn't finish, and she doesn't dignify him with an answer to his unspoken question. He cannot know about Neve. He just - can't. And it's unfair, and it's horrible, keeping this secret from him, but they have always dealt in tricks and secrets and spoilers. This just the way things are between them. The way things always will be until they pass by each other, until their time ends.

"I'm tired, Doctor," she tells him wearily. "If you're looking for answers - "

"No. I told you. I was looking for you. Let's... let's sleep."

So they do.

\-----

When she wakes in the morning, the space beside her is empty. River groans, rubbing a hand across her eyes before sitting, finding him staring at her from where he is standing at the end of the bed. His hair is sticking on end but he's perfectly dressed again. There is nothing warm about the way he's looking at her. 

"She has your nose."

She raises her eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

"The baby in your locket. She has your nose."

River feels her face flushing. That's a first. Usually, it's the other way round. 

She reaches for her locket, clasps it in her sweaty palms. He smiles, almost bitter.

"A relative of yours?"

"Doctor - "

"She's the one you bought the blanket for," he deduces. "She's why you reacted the way you did."

Her hearts pounding, River closes her eyes, whispering, "Yes."

For a long time, The Doctor says nothing. When she finally plucks up the courage to open her eyes again his eyes are fixed on the locket she's clasping, tucking his hands into his pockets. 

"She's yours."

River feels tears she can't stop beginning to form in her eyes. "Yes."

If she had thought she had seen him at his worst, at his lowest point, those times pale in comparison to now. For such a young face, he is capable of such anger, such raw pain. He opens his mouth as if to speak, hands rising from his pockets until he closes his mouth, his hands forming fists in the air. He shakes his head, looking away from her and at her collection of photographs on her dresser. Some of her parents, some of herself and The Doctor, but none of Neve. 

"She's human," she hears herself saying. "She's yours. And mine. And she's human."

He does not turn back to her. "Where is she?"

"She's with my parents. 1950s New York. Last time I saw her she was eight months old. She's happy with them, they can take care of her."

The Doctor turns to her with such - such anguish in his eyes. She lifts from the bed, reaching for him but he shrugs her away, storming out of the house, to her garden, back to the TARDIS. 

She sits on the edge of the bed when she hears the engines start up, and does not look outside to watch him disappear.


	2. nevergreen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They attend her birthday parties where he eats too much cake and ends up having more of a sugar rush than the kids. He carries Neve around laughing on his shoulders, her curls bouncing as he runs around. He watches Neve sometimes as if waiting for her to disappear, to be snatched up by time like they all will be someday.

River weaves through the crowds, leaping over the wounded and ducking beneath the laser blasts. She feels a fist against her cheek and the inevitable throbbing that follows it but her arms come up easily, the training she had worked so hard to forget are just her instincts now. She twists her assailant's elbow, slams them into the ground and tramples over their back as she passes them. Her ragged breath disperses in the misty air, mingling with the smell of blood and she feels people tearing at the bottom of her dress, parts of the fabric ripping. River keeps running, her hearts almost pounding their way out of her chest - she's not even aware of the moment that she pulls her blaster free from her pocket, but then the bodies are falling, falling, falling. All in her name. This planet, these people, will remember her, with blood smeared across her cheeks, as she practically tears the soil they run across to pull them all back together. 

And later, when the soil is strewn with bodies, and her arms are covered in burns from near-misses with laser guns, she kisses her mud-covered locket and thinks only of the children who are not hers that she has saved.

*****

The sun is beginning to rise over New York as she collapses through her parent's door. She'd picked the lock with shaking hands, her vision beginning to spin. She hadn't even paid attention to the co-ordinates she had put in. Not really. This could be them before Neve for all she knows, she could be rewriting history. Good. Good - let The Doctor see that he is not the only one who can control the laws of time; he's not the only Time Lord anymore. She's alive too.

River hears the clatter of cutlery coming from down the hall as she falls to her knees, the wood bruising her skin immediately. She presses her hands against the floor, breathing heavily as voices grow closer. She looks up and sees her father rushing to her side - and God, he's gotten _old_. The roots of his hair are grey, and when he kneels beside her, his mouth moves but the sound doesn't reach her ears. As the world goes black and her limbs give out, she hears an unfamiliar voice calling _mummy!_

-

It's almost like it had been in the beginning, after Berlin, when she had woke while being treated by the Sisters of the Infinite Schism to the silhouettes of her parents.

The lines on her mother's face are prominent now, enhanced by her frown as she curls her fingers and presses them against River's cheek. This Amy is so much more maternal than the other versions of her she had met.

"Hey," she murmurs. "You scared us."

River gives them a weak smile. "It wouldn't be the first time."

"No... It wouldn't."

Rory clears his throat, stepping up from River's bed to stand by her side. He scratches the back of his head, rubbing his hands together awkwardly. If she'd had any energy, she would smile at his bumbling.

"I - tried to treat your burns. But they kind of, eventually, started healing themselves. Is that - a time lord thing?"

River shifts her head to glance down at her arms, studying the healing skin there. They aren't gone, not completely, but most of them were only first degree burns at the most. They'll fade.

"Yeah," River croaks. "I'll be fine. How long was I out?"

"Ten hours," he tells her. "You still need more rest - mostly, your body just seems exhausted - but we'll be having dinner in a couple of hours, if you're hungry."

"Thank you, Dad."

Rory smiles widely. "Oh. Well, uh. You're welcome."

Amy squeezes her hand, leaning forward to kiss River's forehead. River wants to keep her eyes open, ingest this image of her mother. 

"Sleep," she says quietly, and River's eyes are closing without her permission.

-

Throughout that day, she naps intermittently. Rory wakes her for dinner, sitting on a chair he pulls up beside her bed when they find she's still too weak to walk downstairs. He makes conversation with her easily, telling her all about the life that he and Amy have made for themselves here in New York. He's so different to the man who used to duck his head if she so much as looked in his direction, waiting for her to reverse back to being their best friend, or the incarnation that was his baby girl. This Rory - older Rory - treats her wounds and eats dinner with her and wants to hear about what adventures she's been on. This Rory is her Dad.

She falls asleep well-fed and content, her father squeezing her hand.

-

She's not sure what wakes her at first.

The clock beside her informs her that it's three in the morning. The room is still pitch black, the city that never sleeps is only half-awake. She groans, propping herself up on her elbow and staring at her half-open door. Maybe one of her parents had just checked on her?

"Hello."

River startles, head whipping round to stare at the young girl standing beside her bed. 

"Neve?"

The little girl grins at her. Well, not a little girl anymore. River studies her, rakes her eyes over her daughter - so grown yet still so young. God, she must be ten, at least. Her thick blonde hair is long, not quite as manic as hers, but still curly regardless. Her eyes - so like her fathers, glitter in the dark as she studies her mother in return. And, something she hadn't noticed before, her face round, moon-like just as Amy's is shaped. So many different elements of Pond in one face. She clambers onto the chair Rory had left, tucking her legs beneath her and wrapping her thin fingers around her bony knees. River reaches out, lets her thumb drift across her daughter's cheek. So. This is how she grows.

"Amy and Rory said I couldn't see you. That you didn't know me this old yet," Neve tells her, and River sucks in a breath. This is how her daughter _sounds_ , with a New York accent and a voice a little low for someone of her age. A little like hers. 

"You don't call them mum and dad?" She asks sadly. Doesn't her daughter get a family like she'd thought she would?

"Of course not, silly!" Neve giggles, poking her in the arm. "Why did you come now? You always visit me in order. Is this what you meant on my birthday when you said I'd see you young?"

"How old are you?"

"Eleven!" Neve says, swaying. "You and daddy came to my birthday party. Do you not remember?"

"Oh. Well," River swallows past the lump in her throat. _You and daddy._ "You know, I didn't mean to arrive this late. You're still a baby in my timeline."

Neve's eyes go wide as she claps her hands against her cheeks. "That is so cool! You really did visit me as a baby? Even though I wouldn't remember?"

"Of course. Yes."

"Daddy too?"

"Well - I - " River pauses, gauging her daughter's expectant expression. Where does she draw the line in telling the truth to her daughter, who's only a child? From the sounds of it, she knows The Doctor. But how well? "I'm not that far into our story yet, Neve."

"That's okay," Neve chirps, hopping off of the chair and pulling herself up onto River's bed, wrapping lanky limbs around her to squeeze her tightly. "I'm gonna go to bed now. I just wanted to see you."

River's hands hover, uncertain, before she hugs her daughter back just as tightly. So. This is what it feels like to be a mother? She rather likes it.

"Goodnight, Neve," she says, kissing the top of her head.

Neve slips from the bed, crossing to the door quickly but quietly. Maybe she teaches her how to sneak around quietly like that. Oh, she hopes her daughter will be a hellraiser like her; she hopes for more than normality. She wants her daughter to be happy and have fun and be _free_.

She stops in the doorway, turning back to River.

"Mum?"

"Yes?"

"Whatever it is you and daddy fought about that made you mad... Remember we love him, okay?"

River curls her hands into fists.

"Okay."

-

When she's safe, and healed, and Amy and Rory finally stop coddling her, she steps out into New York City and takes a walk. The air is in no means refreshing but scoping out the neighbourhood her parents grow old in, the neighbourhood her daughter will be raised in, settles her frantic hearts. She even risks walking past the school her parents told her Neve attended.

She knows. Things will be okay.

It is this knowledge that spurs her to find The Doctor.

"You've got to tell me," she pleads with her mother when she returns from her walk. "Please."

"River, you always tell me not to tell you these things. Spoilers, remember?"

"Mother, I need to know."

Amy sighs, pulling River close to hug her tightly. "February thirteenth. Nineteen Fifty Four. Neve is three."

"Thank you," River whispers, hugging her back.

******

She arrives early in the morning, when the sky is still dark, staking out nearby, waiting for the sounds of the TARDIS. He arrives fifteen minutes after she does, stalking out of that beautiful blue box with his coat billowing after him, the picture of fury. He picks the lock of her parents house - she really should warn them about how easy that is - and slips inside. She follows after him, making sure to keep her distance.

Closing the door behind her silently, River slips off her shoes. She hears him upstairs, his soft footsteps the only sound in the house.

She takes the stairs two at a time with her socked feet, hands trailing across the railing. The door to Neve's bedroom is partially open, the light from her nightlight spilling out into the hallway. She stops in the doorway, watching him staring down at sleeping Neve. She snuffles in her sleep and he reaches out a hand, tucks one of her curls behind her ear, before stepping back. 

"I had to do it, sweetie."

He doesn't jump. Slowly, he turns to her with a hurricane blazing in his eyes, the tips of his fingers shaking as she takes a cautious step towards him.

"You know. You know how big you are - how many people would tear universes apart to get to her. What else was I supposed to do to protect you both?"

He stalks up to her, until they're face to face, his hand gripping her wrist with a bruising force.

"They could all be gone. I could keep her safe."

"Oh, you'd kill them all, would you?"

"I would try!"

River sucks in a breath as Neve begins to stir behind him. The Doctor releases her hand violently, almost shoving her as he spins away with shame. Shame over - who? Her, his psychopath wife? Neve, his human daughter? _Who, Doctor, who?_

"And what about you?"

His upper lip curls. "What about me?"

"Who's going to protect her from you?"

"Why - Why the _hell_ would she need protecting from me?" He demands, rounding on her.

"Look at my _parents!_ Look at me! You disrupt our lives so chaotically and we still love you for it. So many have died for you, Doctor," she says, watching his eyes go wide with fury or regret, she's not sure anymore. "But not her. I won't let her die for you!"

At their yelling, Neve finally wakens, beginning to cry as she takes in the sight of the two semi-strangers standing and shouting in her room. The Doctor takes a step back, away, as River rushes to her side, hushing her daughter. Neve clings to her like she recognises her, staring fearfully at The Doctor as they hear clambering from next door. The sound of Amy and Rory.

Amy rushes into the room swinging a bat, Rory right behind her. "Whoever you are, get the hell away from my granddaughter!"

The Doctor takes two steps backwards, closer to Neve now, as he takes in the sight of Amy. Both Rory and Amy stop, staring at him, before Rory simply sighs and pushes past them, joining River in calming Neve.

"Amelia," The Doctor breathes, tears filling his eyes.

Amy drops the bat, crossing her arms. "Doctor. Took you a while."

He steps forwards, smiling, cupping her cheek even as she glares at him. "Got here eventually."

Amy glances over at River, who's sitting on Neve's bed with her daughter in her lap. Neve's crying has stopped now, her cheek pillowed on River's breast as her eyelids begin to droop, the warmth of her grandfather's hand against her back. 

"Are we mad at him?"

"That depends," River replies, looking at her husband. "Doctor?"

Taking a deep breath, The Doctor smooths his hair back, then runs his hands down the lapels of his coat. He takes a hesitant stop towards her and Neve, and River stands. Neve stirs fussily, but The Doctor takes his daughter's hand, kissing her forehead. He's done this before, she knows. Neve will just be another name on a long list of children - family - he has lost. 

At The Doctor's kiss, Neve settles, staring at him curiously through sleepy eyes.

"Hello there, little Pond," he says reverently. 

"Song."

Amy shocks them both. 

"Not Pond?" River asks.

"No. Song," Amy insists. "Neve Song."

The Doctor smiles, brushing his thumb against his daughter's cheek. 

"Little Song, then."

He looks up at her. She knows that their argument will be one of these things that they never speak about again. They'll dust it under the carpet, pretend it never happened, pretend that the damage in their marriage isn't real.

"In answer of your earlier question, mother," River says shakily. "No. We're not mad at him."

Amy shrieks happily, wrapping her arms around The Doctor immediately. He twirls her before roping Rory into their hug too. River watches them, swaying slightly as her daughter begins to fall asleep in her arms. If only they could always be like this.

*****

It gets easier.

They miss Neve's first word, but The Doctor teaches her basic Gallifreyan words by the time she's five. She'll never have the same grasp of the language as her mother and father, but she has something of her family's history to hold on to. They miss her first steps, but River teaches her how to defend herself - The Doctor squeaks at that, protesting because Neve is only seven at the time, but he has no idea how dangerous the city can be. They convince her parents not to hold onto the idea of going to look for freshly regenerated Melody Pond once they reach 1969. They buy Neve presents, they play happy families, they let her call them mum and dad even though they surely mean less. They attend her birthday parties where he eats too much cake and ends up having more of a sugar rush than the kids. He carries Neve around laughing on his shoulders, her curls bouncing as he runs around. He watches Neve sometimes as if waiting for her to disappear, to be snatched up by time like they all will be someday. 

Sometimes, she wonders if this is enough, for both of them, for Neve.

But then her daughter will take her hand, encourage her to play, and all of these thoughts will be forgotten.

******

"Please! Please please please please," Neve says, fourteen years old now. River had dropped by for a quick visit to find The Doctor already visiting, and now that they're leaving Neve is fussing. Normally, she accepts their leaving easily. "Just one planet! I know all of the planets in this universe, I've learned them all! Mum even said humans will go to the moon in five years."

The Doctor gives River a sharp look. "What'd you tell her that for?"

River shrugs. "Well, it's not like it's a spoiler for her, sweetie."

"Please, you took Amy and Rory - take me too!"

Neve looks up at the pair of them hopefully and River can feel her hearts breaking. Neve will never understand why it is they can never go on adventures, why it is she is so much more vulnerable than her grandparents, than her mother, to The Doctor, to his enemies. She will never know. They've all agreed. It's for the best that she doesn't know just how important she really is.

The Doctor flounders, struggling for words, so River steps forwards, taking his hand and squeezing. 

"Neve, you know the rules. You have to stay here."

"But _why?_ " She whines, stomping one of her lanky legs. 

"You need to stay here. Finish school -"

"So when I'm done with school you'll take me?"

"Neve," River says warningly. "You know we can't."

"No I don't!" She protests, glancing between the pair of them. "I don't know anything! You're supposed to be my parents and you act like you want me but I know you don't - so why can't you just give me this?"

Tears prick River's eyes at the same time they do her daughter's. But Neve storms off, almost tripping over her limbs as she rushes up the stairs to slam the door behind her. The Doctor moves to go after her, but River holds him back, resting her forehead against his shoulder blade as she stops her tears. It had been easier when Neve was younger, when she was content with them simply dropping into her life.

"She'll be fine," River hears her mother say, and she lifts her head to find her walking towards them. "She's just been a little moody lately. Puberty."

"Amelia Pond," The Doctor begins. "You know it's more than - "

"Shush, you. It's just puberty," Amy says. "Now go. Have an adventure. Then bring her a present. Oh, and I wouldn't say no to some twenty-first century chocolate."

*****

One night, she falls asleep on her parents sofa watching a movie with Neve that's probably a little age inappropriate. Well, her parents and The Doctor would probably say so, but the girl is sixteen. She was definitely having far wilder times than this at Neve's age - then again, she had been raised by The Silence. It doesn't do wonders for a girl's mind or her social behaviour.

Neve shakes her awake sometime in the middle of the night. The lamplight projects honey colours onto her daughter's face as River's vision clears to find Neve sitting next to her, turned to a page in the middle of her diary.

River snatches it from her hands. "What are you doing? You know you're not supposed to read that."

"That's exactly why I'm reading it," Neve replies, rolling her eyes. "Don't worry, that was the first page I found."

River looks down at the page Neve had turned to. It's one of the earlier entries, from when she had still been at university and The Doctor had been so hesitant with her, so unsure of what boundaries to cross. He had terrified her a little - he was her _future_ , and being with him seemed inevitable. Still, she had been enthralled by him, let him take her anywhere so long as he always got her back to her dorm two minutes after he'd picked her up. After one particular trip, when he'd told her about his - their - people and she had snuck out of bed to start reading the books on Gallifrey he had before he dropped her off a couple hours later with a kiss to her cheek (oh so modest, her doctor), she'd found pictures of all of his faces in her university's library. Even the face that he had renounced. She had sketched all of them onto one page, in chronological order, with eleven marked _the last_. After all, he had no regenerations left. She'd lost herself in the romantic idea that they would both grow old together in their last incarnations.

River runs her index finger over the old sketches, smiling down at all of the faces of her husband. 

"You say that they're all Dad. The Doctor," Neve says. "But how can that be true? How can he have more than one face?"

River clears her throat, smiling. "Spoilers."

"No. Not spoilers," Neve says, eyes widening. "I've never questioned why he doesn't have a real name. I've never questioned why you two couldn't keep me, why you two never seem to age, why I look like I'm almost as old as him. I've never questioned your stories about human colonies on other planets in the future and time travel and why you two taught me some of a language that doesn't exist in any book - and trust me, I've looked through tons. So you owe me. You owe me this, mother. Tell me."

River snaps her diary closed, sighing. "Neve - "

"Please."

River looks back over at her daughter, who's beginning to look so much like her and so less like her dad. She still has his eyes, of course, but everything else is River - her nose, her hair, her figure fleshing out as she grows out of her lanky limbs into a woman who is in full control of her body. Perhaps she is owed this.

"He's not human," she tells her curtly. Neve doesn't even blink. "He's Time Lord. They - they have regenerative powers. When one body is dying, they regenerate into another. They're still the same person, really, just slightly different. Different taste buds, mannerisms. But underneath it all... He's always The Doctor."

Neve grips her arm. "So - how old is he? And he's had, what, twelve faces? How many faces have you known?"

"Just the one, for now. I'm sure I'll bump into another someday. And he's nearing a century old."

"So there are more like him out there, then? You lie and tell me stories about human colonies but I _know_ it's not like that. There's infinite numbers of universes, galaxies, aren't there? Aliens on every one. Do they have their own planet? What planet is he from?"

River laughs at her daughter's excitement. "He - yes, he's from another planet. Gallifrey. And there used to be more like him. But - there was a war. An awful, awful war. So. They're all gone now. Just him left."

"And you."

River freezes. "What?"

"You never age. Same as him. And for some reason, Amy and Rory never got to raise you - you're older than them, not as old as Dad, I'm sure. But you're older than you look. So - what, are you half Time Lord or something? How? Is Rory your real dad?"

"Yes, he is. Amy and Rory are both my biological parents," she tells her. "I was conceived in the time vortex. That is to say, on the TARDIS, when Amy and Rory were travelling with The Doctor. The exposure imprinted on me. So I'm human plus Time Lord. It's not exactly half and half, but I do have some Time Lord DNA. I'm almost a hundred and fifty years old."

"Wow," Neve breathes, eyes wide. "So - you can regenerate too?"

"I used to be able to," she tells her. "I... It's a long story. But I can't anymore. This is my third face, if you were wondering."

"So," Neve says, a smile beginning to grow on her face. "If you were able to regenerate, can I - "

"Honey, no, you're..." River pauses, taking a steady breath as Neve's smile falls. "You're human. Completely human. Trust me, I checked."

"Oh. Oh - that's... That's okay," Neve says, tucking her legs beneath her as she bites her lip and looks down at the ground. "Amy and Rory... They told me they love you just like any other parent would, even though they didn't raise you. Were you taken from them? Is it some sort of time travel thing?"

"Yes," River says, bittersweetness tugging at her lungs, tucking an errant curl behind her daughter's ear. "It's a time travel thing."

"So you've never had a family."

"Well, I have you."

Neve smiles, throwing her arms around her and squeezing tight. "I love you, too."

******

"What about this?"

The Doctor waves a neon pink bracelet in front of her face as she rolls her eyes, immediately slipping past him and to the next stall as they look through the twentieth century markets in India. It had been a last minute decision to get her something from Earth, something a little close to her timeline. They've turned up too many times with gadgets and jewellery from other planets and other centuries. 

"Sweetie, it's her high school graduation, not her fifth birthday."

She trails her fingers across the jewellery on the next stand as he grumbles behind her. He dismisses what she's looking at instantly, before spotting something at the other end of the row, grabbing her hand and dragging her along behind him even as she protests.

"But _look_ , River!" He whines. "It's practically TARDIS blue. And it has elephants on it. Elephants are cool."

She finally sees what he's been talking about when they stand in front of the stall. It's full of tapestries of various colours, so many dizzying patterns. They're beautiful, and she reaches out to run her hands across one of them. Well made. He nudges her, though, pointing at one hung behind the man working this section. It is almost TARDIS blue, like he'd said, with rings and rings of elephants beginning small in the middle and expanding as they reach the outside. Oh, it's actually rather perfect.

"She could hang it up in her dorm room when she goes to university," he tells her. "That's what kids do, right?"

She laughs, pressing up on her toes to kiss him. "You ridiculous man. She'll do just that."

******

He cries at Neve's high school graduation, despite insisting it's just something in the air that effects just Time Lords. _(Complete Time Lords, River, not half-baked ones.)_

He cries at her college graduation, too.

*******

They gather at her parents house once Neve has moved home from college. Neve doesn't notice them at first, too busy on the phone with her boyfriend. River watches her from the sofa as she twirls a curl around her finger, biting her lower lip at something the boy is saying. Her daughter is, by human standards, an adult now. Still, River thinks of her as the baby she had been afraid to hold; afraid to love. There would be no universe in which she did not love her - her daughter who punches boys in the face if they try to tell her she belonged in the kitchen (that one had been a riveting tale, even The Doctor hadn't reprimanded her violence); her daughter who wears mini skirts and mustard yellow jumpers and still looks beautiful; her daughter who is perfectly, wonderfully human.

The Doctor pokes his head out in front of her, making her roll her eyes. "What are you staring at?"

"Our daughter."

"Well, I guessed as much. Why? Is her phone conversation interesting? Thank God she was raised in a time without Twitter - "

"Well, Doctor, she's on the phone to a boy. I'd say that was interesting enough."

The Doctor goes red. "A boy?" He squeaks. 

Amy sets a tray of tea on the table in front of them, settling in the opposite sofa with Rory.

"That's Conrad. They've been dating for oh, I don't know - "

"Three months," Rory interjects, glaring at the phone Neve's holding.

"Right. Three months. Very cute. Not nearly as cute as the last one, though, but he was an ass - "

"The last one?" The Doctor squeaks even higher this time, hands flailing. "But - she's only twenty-one!"

Amy raises an eyebrow. "That's how old I was when you came and snatched me away from home."

"I did not _snatch_ you," The Doctor splutters.

"Sure you didn't."

Neve laughs at something Conrad has said, throwing her head back. The Doctor adjusts his bow tie, glaring at the phone just as Rory does. River glances at Amy who just rolls her eyes and waves a hand. Men.

"I want to meet this Conrad. Where does he live? Give me an address and I can - "

"No, no way, Raggedy Man," Amy says. "You're not going to scare this one off. Besides, he makes her happy, what's the problem in that?"

Rory growls a little. River raises her eyebrows at that. She's seen Rory clamp his hands over his eyes whenever she and The Doctor kiss, but this is taking it to a whole new level. It's ridiculous, and completely unwarranted, and Neve can make her own decisions - whether it be boys or something else entirely. Still, she thinks she rather likes it a little bit. This is what family looks like. They might be a little dysfunctional - time travel, it's never good for keeping up with the appropriate age - yet, still. Family.

"She gets this from you, you know," The Doctor says, turning to her.

River raises an eyebrow. "Boys?"

"Yes! You know, because you're all," The Doctor flails a little, uncertain. "I don't know - you own hallucinogenic lipstick!"

"Oi, leave off," Amy warns him. "Besides, aren't you the nine hundred year old that stole me away only to marry my _daughter_?"

******

They have too few moments like this, she decides. Just her and The Doctor with the TARDIS simply floating among the stars. It doesn't matter whether he's being ridiculous and refusing to read the manual as he makes what has to be one of the thousandth repairs to the TARDIS. Or whether he's showing her all of the cool things he discovered on the last planet he had explored with Clara. Or moments like this, the two of them in bed, after he has worshipped her body and she has whispered his real name in his ear more times than she can count.

"What will you do after?"

She rolls over to curl an arm around his chest, dropping a kiss to his shoulder. "After what?"

"Neve."

River sucks in a breath. "I don't want to talk about - "

"I just - I need to make sure you'll be okay, River," he says, staring up at the ceiling and not down at her when she lifts up on her elbow to attempt to meet his eyes. "I can handle this sort of thing - "

"You? Need I remind you of the way you behaved after Manhattan?"

"River..."

River growls, ripping herself away from him and standing, pulling on the clothes she had so happily shed with him moments ago. She hears him sit, but he doesn't say anything, simply watching her. And that's always half the problem, isn't it? He observes her like she's some sort of goddess just because she's learned how to compartmentalise and keep the damage from him. As though she has all of the answers, as though she will soothe away all of his problems. But she can't. Not always. Not completely.

She turns back to him, pulling her shirt on. "Need I remind you, Doctor, that our daughter is a living, breathing human being. She is not a hindrance. I'm not going to _handle_ her as though she is an inconvenience. She is my _daughter_."

"Exactly," he says, smiling ruefully. "And I'm the lonely old man travelling through time and space in a box. Everyone leaves me behind eventually, River. I know how that feels."

"Well, I'm not going to," she tells him, climbing back onto the bed as she feels her anger receding. "I'm not leaving, Doctor, not after Neve, never. Because I'm going to need you, do you understand that? I'm going to be selfish when that time comes."

He pulls her closer, until she's straddling his lap and pressed up against him completely, his arms around her and breathing in her neck. She almost think she feels a wetness - a tear of his - against her skin, but he moves to press a kiss against that exact spot and it's gone. 

"Okay."

"Just okay?"

He pulls back to kiss her deeply. She curls her hand in his hair, arching her back as if she could possibly grow any closer to him. 

Later, she will realise he never really agreed to let her be selfish at all.

******

The visits to her parents house begin to grow heavy on her hearts. Neve lives with them for most of her twenties before she decides to travel the world. It's something that makes her chest seize - all of that time she could've had with her daughter will be lost. But, of course, it's what she's always wanted. For her daughter to have more than just a normal life. She'll travel the world, see so many beautiful sights, make the most out of this planet that she can. It's not that River is completely surprised by the decision. How could she be, when her daughter has two Time Lords who travel through time and space for parents?

But the weight of her parent's ageing is beginning to grow on her. It should be a gift, all of this stolen time with them. And yet, she looks at her mother, studies how the red colour of her hair is fading, so much shorter now, bobbed around her jawline. Watches as Rory's knees click as he attempts to help Neve pack. They're getting so old. Neve, too, is twenty-eight, and the time is passing in a flash. Is this what it feels like to be The Doctor, to have all of these ghosts right in front of you?

Neve rushes down the stairs when she hears River arrive, launching off of the first step and barrelling into her mother laughing. "I'm going to Paris!"

River laughs with her, setting her back down on the ground. Neve is tall - taller than her, like her father. It's the one thing beside her eyes that River can find of The Doctor.

"It's a beautiful city. And the language - "

"Oh, I've been studying it!" Neve says, grinning. "Of course, you've probably never had to - the TARDIS translates things, doesn't it? And you've probably got some, I don't know, timey-wimey stuff going on inside your head. But I think I'll manage to get by in France quite easily. Germany will be a different story completely - oh, and of course, I'll go to Britain too, and visit Scotland. Mu - Amy would never let me come back if I didn't."

River doesn't mention her slip-up. Her hearts are weary now. If Neve thinks of Amy as her mother, then, she thinks, she will have to be fine with it.

"How long is this trip of yours going to be?" River asks, smiling faintly.

Neve shrugs. "I'm not sure. I want to at least get most of Europe done, which could take years. I'll learn about all the cultures, their food, their dialects, fashion, you know. Sort of like what you do with archeology - only cooler. If I can try and raise some money, get some jobs, while I'm out there I could explore Asia afterwards. Or maybe travel all across America. I don't really know. I quite like not knowing. It's exciting, isn't it?"

Her daughter looks so happy, so bright, that River makes sure not to let her smile fall as she squeezes her daughter's hands. Lost time. Her daughter will grow in all of this lost time.

"It is," she finally agrees, pretending not to see her own mother's sympathetic eyes over Neve's shoulder.

******

A few weeks after Neve leaves, she gets an urgent message from The Doctor, demanding she meet him at The Ponds house. She drops her work immediately and leaves the archeology dig without explanation to her fellow crew, appearing in front of her parent's house to find her husband pacing angrily outside.

"River!" He spots her immediately. "Why didn't you tell me she'd left?"

"Neve? Well, sweetie, I assumed you knew."

"Knew?" He repeats, almost growling. "No, River, I didn't know. I turn up here to see my daughter and she's just - gone! Vanished! The Ponds aren't even quite sure where she is right now, and God knows how long it'll take her to finish travelling. And how will we find her, River? It's hard enough to pinpoint you when you send for me yet alone someone who is freelance travelling - "

"Doctor," she grabs his hand, ceasing his pacing. "It's her life, sweetie. She's not something to be kept."

The Doctor's lower lip quivers. "But - River - " He says, voice breaking. "We have so little time with her as it is - "

"I know... I know, Doctor."

She pulls him close, lets him bury his face in her shoulder as he pretends he isn't crying.

She closes her eyes and lets him be selfish.

*****

Their daughter, as it turns out, is quite the traveller. Across her lifetime, she sends her grandparents tons of pictures of her journeys, along with long descriptive letters telling the tales of her travelling. Sometimes, she sends letters for River and The Doctor to them, for them to collect whenever it is they next arrive. They are a gift. River clings to these as she watches her mother and father grow old while her daughter is on the other side of the word. 

When Neve is back in New York, it is to publish travelling books. She becomes an expert with travel advice, at studying different cultures. Her books win awards and she thanks her mother and father in speeches. The biographies will list her biological parents as Amelia and Rory Williams. They will assume that Neve changed her surname simply to be different.

River clutches at the time she has with her daughter, the rare weeks that she is home. Every time, Neve looks different, just seems different. Whether her hair is short or long or she's tanned or married to an Italian man she met three weeks ago just for the Hell of it. She is constantly evolving, changing, never content with simply being stuck. She rides on the backs of elephants and builds houses for those in need and blisters her feet travelling across deserts. Her life is full, and warm, and she always comes back home.

River goes with her parents to the airport when Neve leaves for Asia for the third time. Fourty-five now and looks the exact same age as her. She waves back at them as she passes through boarding, disappearing round the corner and out of their sight.

"Well," Amy says, tucking her greying hair behind her ear. "I'd say I'm getting a little too old for all of this."

River glances at her mother, frowning. "All of what?"

"This excitement," Amy says, rolling her eyes and waving a hand. "You know, your Dad and I are thinking about downsizing. Moving away from the City, somewhere quiet."

"But Neve - "

"She can afford her own apartment. Besides, she's barely here as it is. She's fine with it. We talked about it with her."

"You did."

"Yup! Anyway, let's go. Rory, I think I saw a Cadbury bar somewhere, one of the shops. I've missed those!"

River follows them slowly, and when Amy begins searching the chocolate section in one of the airport shops, Rory pauses to take River's hand and squeezes it in his own. She smiles weakly at her father - oh, her father, old and grey with a hip that needs replacing. He looks older than her now, and she rests her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes. Some part of her is glad that, finally, her parents look old enough to be her parents.

The rest of her knows that everything is beginning to end.

*****

Rory goes first.

They bury him in a graveyard she knows all too well. Amy keeps a brave face for Neve, who still seems to be in shock. She had been in the countryside of Ireland when it had happened. Like River, she hadn't been given a goodbye. 

After the funeral, and the reception, when Neve leaves for her apartment and rejects River's offer to go with her, River sits with her mother and nurses a glass of wine. Her mother's reading glasses slip off of the edge of her nose and Amy catches them with shaking, wrinkled hands. River reaches out to clasp that hand in her own. Her mother squeezes back faintly. The life in her eyes is still there, when she looks at her daughter and smiles softly. The life is no longer in her body.

"Have I ever really thanked you? For taking care of Neve?" River asks quietly. "You've done so much for me, I'll never know how to repay you."

Amy shakes her head. "You're my daughter. I'd do anything for you, Melody."

River's breath catches and she looks down, blinking rapidly.

"He loved her so much."

River looks back up, finding her mother staring at a photo of Rory and Neve from her eighth birthday party. She and The Doctor had arrived a little late - his fault, she had insisted she drive - yet Neve had barely seemed to notice their absence. In the photo, Rory's face is smothered in cake, Neve's hands matted with it. Her head is thrown back, laughing, as Rory holds her up to the camera and grins through the cake attached to his skin.

"Yes," River agrees quietly. "He did."

*****

She returns from twenty-four years on Darillium with The Doctor to find her mother dead.

Neve barely speaks at Amy's funeral. River makes sure to arrive a couple weeks early and arranges the whole thing. She'd sent a note to her husband, pleading him to come. Screw what the stories said about Darillium being their last night together, he needed to be here. For Neve. She had lost her grandmother, who was more of a mother to her than River can ever claim to be. And still, he does not show. Perhaps it's for the best. The way he carries his grief might hurt Neve too much.

Neve stares out of her windows, and River stares at her daughter. Due to these past few weeks of distraction, she's forgotten to dye her hair, the roots growing through grey and wiry. It's heartbreaking, River realises. That her daughter looks older than her.

"Take me somewhere," Neve murmurs quietly, watching the City. "Take me to England. To Brian Williams."

"He doesn't know about me," River tells her. "He can't know who you are - "

Neve turns to her, eyes blazing. "I don't care, mother! I just want - I want to - "

She doesn't finish, just covers her eyes with trembling hands, hiding her pain. 

-

They find her a place next door to Brian Williams in 2015. It's a few years ahead of the year Neve had left, but River couldn't risk Neve bumping into her parents accidentally. 

"Where will you go?" Neve asks when River straps her vortex manipulator back on, settling on her new sofa in her new house. 

"Oh, well. I was recently hired for an archeological expedition to The Library."

Neve frowns. "The biggest library in the universe?"

River raises an eyebrow. "How do you know about that?"

"You - uh," Neve scratches the back of her neck, ducking her away. "You talk in your sleep."

"Mmm. I'm sure," she says, leaning down to kiss Neve's forehead. "Well, I'll see you soon. If you're home, that is - I can never keep track of when you're going away. "

But as she raises, Neve flings her arms around her, holding her furiously. River hugs her back tightly, smiling. She's sure Neve is just grieving. It's only taken them two weeks to sort all of this out, she's barely had time to process. But time heals all wounds. Slowly. Eventually.

"No. No more going away," she whispers into River's hair.

River frowns, wanting to ask what she means, why not. But Neve pulls away, staring up at her, almost like she's drinking her in. River gives her a reassuring smile, tugging on the end of one of her curls. Her daughter has grown into such a beautiful, accomplished woman. She is the best thing to have ever happened to her - because of her. 

"I love you," Neve whispers, tears glittering her eyes. "I love you so much, mother."

River's hearts tug as she kisses her daughter's forehead.

"I love you too. More than anything."

Neve's hands make fists in the sides of her shirt as she says it, but then her shoulders drop, hands relaxing as she stands back. 

"Have fun. At The Library," Neve says, smiling even as tears spill from her eyes. "I know you will."

"Spoilers," River teases, hearts beating furiously, as she leaves her daughter for the last time.

******

She straps herself into the machine, begins wiring herself up to CAL. A doctor who does not know what's ahead of him lies unconscious on the floor, and River isn't sure who she hates more - him, or Neve, for knowing one day she would not return to either of them.

River places closes her eyes, taking a deep breath as the young Doctor on the floor begins to stir. She's almost happy. That it's like this. How it should be. Her, dying before her daughter.

Neither, she decides finally.

She hates neither of them.

She only loves them.


	3. sojourner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You just come and go, witnessing moments of our lives. You did it to my grandparents. You did it to my mother. It's just what you do."

He's on his swing beneath the TARDIS console, goggles on and feet scuffing against the floor as he works. That's when he hears her footsteps. Clara's. Something between them has changed, after Trenzalore, after she had found out about River and had leapt into his timeline without regret. He sighs, staring down at his boots. River probably would've done something like that, once. 

She takes the steps slowly, slippers on and a mug of hot chocolate in her hands, turning those big eyes of hers on him.

"Doctor?"

He busies himself instantly. He wasn't moping. He doesn't _mope._

"Yes?"

"What do you do when I'm not here? On the TARDIS, I mean." 

"Oh, you know. Old man in a big blue box. There's always a new room to discover."

Clara shakes her head, frowning. "Don't lie to me. You must go off and other adventures, right? With other - companions?"

"I've had other companions before, yes. But I don't have secret adventures," he tells her, connecting the wire the wrong way as the thoughts of his secret adventures with River while the Ponds were sleeping flood his memory. "No. Not anymore."

It's not true. Not really. He looks at Clara and realises she's younger than Neve - less experienced, still gathering her wits. What would his daughter think, if she knew he took all of these other humans to see all of space and time, but never her? When she had been young, it had been easy to distract her, to show her gadgets that made her eyes light up and tell her about human colonies that gave her hope to explore. But the last time he had seen her, before River had sent him the message about Amelia's... funeral, her eyes had been so weary. It had almost been like staring at himself.

"Doctor?" 

"Yes?"

Clara sets her mug on the floor, stepping down the last of the stairs until she's stood in front of him.

"I'm sorry," she says. "About River. She seemed - well, nice isn't exactly the right word to describe her, is it?"

"No, not really," he says, reaching into his pocket for his sonic screwdriver. One day, he will have to make his dead wife one before sending her to her death. "But - that's the way of the universe, Clara. Everybody dies."

But not him.

Never him.

*

When he finally has the courage, and Clara is back at home for her normal, human time, he takes himself to Neve. He finds the Ponds' house empty, dust gathering on the shelves, family photos gone, Amelia's reading glasses no longer resting on the coffee table. Surely - Neve hasn't... River would've _said_. It's only the nineties. She should still be. Alive. He needs a goodbye. He needs it more than his hearts have ever needed anything. 

Eventually, he finds a note waiting on the kitchen table. The ink is a little faded. On it, there's co-ordinates, followed by three kisses.

He smiles. Of course River Song would be looking out for him, even now she's gone.

*

When he steps out of the TARDIS, he finds the garden he's stood in rather familiar. He sniffs the air. 2016? The Doctor pulls his sonic out of his coat, scanning the shrubbery against the fence. Nothing terribly interesting about them, scans registering nothing other than typical Earth plants. It's when he stands again that he hears a familiar voice coming from the other side of the fence - no, not just one voice. Two familiar voices.

He peers over the fence to find his daughter sitting having drinks with none other than Brian Williams.

"Dad!" She gasps, standing and knocking the table so that her drink spills everywhere.

Brian turns to peer at him and The Doctor can feel his face growing red. Neve ignores the way her great grandfather's face falls in favour of rushing over to the fence to help him climb over. He really does try to keep his limbs co-ordinated, honestly. Only his daughter has gotten so much older compared to when he'd last seen her and dear _God_ , how has he missed so much time? 

He practically falls over the fence as he climbs it, landing on his back in Brain Williams's garden.

Neve laughs, clasping a hand over his mouth, and as he looks up at her and the sun settles in her curls, he cannot help but think about how much she truly looks like her mother.

He pushes himself to his feet, brushing his coat free of soil. "Alright, alright - I'd like to see _you_ climb that."

But Brian Williams is pushing himself to his feet, staring at The Doctor, and he clears his throat. Neve falls silent, glancing between the two of them, as Brian stops in front of him. 

"Brain," The Doctor begins quietly. "I'm so - "

"You're her father," Brian states, frowning. "For some time, I thought... Maybe she was theirs. Always asking about Amy and Rory, never answered questions about her own parents."

The Doctor scratches his cheek. "Well, uh. Technically she _is_ related to them..."

Neve glares at him but he carefully ignores it. Brain's wrinkles deepen as his frown does. It takes a while for the cogs to begin to turn in Brian's head, but he watches the slow realisation dawn, blossoming on his features until he's grinning.

"They had a daughter? She's their - granddaughter?"

"Aha! He gets it!" The Doctor says, moving away to rope his arm around Neve's shoulder to pull her close and kiss the side of her forehead. She wrinkles her nose as she laughs. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"You had a daughter with my granddaughter?"

The Doctor freezes, pushing Neve in front of him for protection. This is Rory the Roman's _dad_ , God knows what kind of horrors he can do. Or - well, did Rory's Roman side come from those two thousand years waiting for Amy? It's all becoming a little jumbled in his head.

"It wasn't like that! I never knew her as a baby - well, I did, but only for about half a minute - and I knew her as an adult - a _very_ adult, er, adult - long before that! Neve, explain - "

Neve laughs, shaking him off so that she can lay a hand on Brian's arm. "Amy and Rory raised me. I have photos of us, as well as my mother, that I can bring over and explain, well, everything to you. If you want?"

Brain smiles. "I'd like that very much."

Neve squeezes his arm, glancing back over at The Doctor to give him a thumbs up. But Brian stops her, taking her elbow to pull her back.

"Your mother - what is her name?"

Neve takes a slow, deep breath before she manages to smile. "Her name was River Song."

"Was?"

He doesn't mean to speak. Not really. It's just that he assumed both he and River would outlive Neve, that he wouldn't - for once - be doing something so horrible on his own. He had known, of course, that River would die in the library. It's why he had warned Neve about it, as horrible as that had been. But he had just thought that would be a precaution. He had never really - not for a _second_ \- 

The tears glitter in Neve's eyes. His eyes. Those are his eyes - worn and tired and old.

"She went to the library six months ago. But it's okay. I'm doing okay," Neve says, but as she does, she turns to leave, hiding the damage just like River used to.

*

The next time he returns he gets the dates all wrong. The TARDIS won't let him leave and try to go back to an earlier time, though - kicks him out so that he falls to his knees in his daughter's garden. Huffing, he peeks over the fence to find that Brain's plants have wilted, Neve's beginning to look a little sorry for themselves too. He feels his hearts falter as his feet carry him to Neve's back door, slipping into her silent house. The floorboards creak beneath his feet as he takes the stairs through this unfamiliar house his daughter lives in. It's sparsely decorated, except for the elephant tapestry he and River had bought her hanging on the hallway wall. Photo albums are stacked on a table pushed up against the banisters, a lone photo of Neve and River on her eighteenth birthday sat beside them.

He takes a deep breath and pushes the door to his daughter's bedroom open. 

She's sat in a wheelchair, staring out of the window, not turning to look at him. He stares at her profile, at the amount of lines ingrained on her face now, around her eyes. Her hair - grey now, and wispy, almost refusing to curl. So... old. He clutches the door handle fiercely, words caught in his throat.

"He died two years after I last saw you," Neve murmurs. "So... that would be almost ten years ago."

Letting his hand fall from the door handle, The Doctor steps forwards, tears stinging his eyes. "Neve, I'm... so sorry."

She shrugs. "Why? You didn't kill him. You just come and go, witnessing moments of our lives. You did it to my grandparents. You did it to my mother. It's just what you do." 

"I never want to," he tells her. "Time travel, you know, it just... happens."

Neve shifts, hand falling to one of the wheels so that she can turn herself to face him. "I was hit by a car three years ago. I fell while crossing the road and twisted my ankle because I am _old_ , Doctor, and I am fragile. The car coming round the corner didn't see me, and now I can't feel anything past my waist. That is something that _just happens_ , not abandoning your daughter when she needs you."

"I'm here now," he says, rushing forward to crouch in front of her. He smiles, cupping her cheek. She is old, and it is breaking his hearts - but at the same time. This is a privilege. This is something he never got to see with River, never witnessed her go grey or wrinkle or age, not really - he can only assume that she lived a long life, that it was a happy one, that she knew she was loved. "I'll stay, Neve. How about that, hm? I'll stay." 

Neve shakes her head, batting his hand away. "I want you to leave."

"Neve - "

"You're not my father. You're a man from another planet who accidentally made me. Rory Williams was my real father - he was there for every single damn day he could be, he did everything for me, just like a father is supposed to do. And I _miss_ him, and I miss Amy, and I miss my mother, and you're not them!"

He grips her hand, but she pushes that away too, eyes blazing.

"How do you do it? Keep living like this? It'll be my time soon. And I'm glad. I don't know how to keep going in a world without Amy and Rory, without my mother. Nothing is quite as beautiful without them."

"Neve, please, I don't want to go," he whispers, feeling his voice crack.

"Doctor. Please. For once, I'm asking you to."

*

The TARDIS has been easy on him, lately. Landing him where it is he really intends to go, humming when he falls too silent and his mind grows too crowded with thoughts. She understands. 

It hurts.

*

Clara looks at him as though she wants to ask, sometimes. He'd found River's locket in her room - she almost never took that thing off - and had started wearing it. She's seen the chain, seen him staring at the pictures inside. He knows she's itching to know. But as much as she wants to, she never does. And he is grateful. He has been learning to cope with the loss of River, has been able to say her name without his hearts wanting to fall out of his chest.

But Neve - 

This is why.

This is why River had hidden her from him all those years ago.

*

There's a young child playing and laughing in Brian Williams's back garden when he next visits Neve. There are adults, too - the child's parents - sitting on the porch, sipping on their drinks and chatting as they watch the child play. Life has moved on. But he looks down at the Neve's plants he's accidentally squished beneath the TARDIS. They are dead.

She's not in the bedroom when he walks in. She's in her living room, staring at the television. Her lips twist up into a half-smile.

"What took you so long?"

He glances at the calendar on the wall. It's been three years for her. He sighs.

"I wasn't sure if you wanted me to come back."

"Of course I did."

Neve rolls the wheels of her chair until she is closer to him, looking up at him with tears shining in her eyes. He looks away, down at her hands, which are trembling and wrinkled and skin spotted with age as they curl around the wheels. He has caused so much damage in this world. 

"I was worried," Neve murmurs. "That you wouldn't come back at all. Not in time. Before I..."

Neve looks down at her feet. He takes a deep breath before springing to action, loping round her so that he can grip the handles of her wheelchair and begin pushing her out of this empty, quiet house, over the outgrown grass of her garden, until they're in front of the TARDIS. Neve laughs, breathless, when they stop.

"What on Earth are you doing?"

"Taking you to see all of space and time," he says, leaning against the TARDIS and clicking his fingers.

The doors fall open and Neve's jaw drops. She glances back at him, hesitant, and he just gives her his biggest smile. She grins back at him, rolling herself inside, and he follows behind her eagerly. She knows, of course, that it is bigger on the inside - probably heard all about it from the Ponds or River. But she's never seen it before, and her fascination with his beautiful blue box has to be the most beautiful reaction he's seen yet. The smile doesn't drop from her face as she runs her fingers along the railings, as she stares up at the ceiling, as she lets her hands gently touch the console. Her love for his home, for her mother's second mother, is instant.

It is then that he looks at his daughter and decides that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether she thinks of him as her father or as the man who just drops by to witness fractions of her life. 

He loves her. It is as simple as that.

*

He takes her to three different planets in one day. She protests, conscious of her mobility, but he pushes her around easily, until she forgets that there's anything different about her at all. She stares at her home planet from the Moon before he takes her on a tour of her mother's university. An older professor talks to her as she queues up for lunch, makes her blush, and it doesn't make his anger boil. He takes her to see the most successful human colony on Pluto, and she gapes at the aliens that walk around her, makes conversation with the Ood that they bump into when they look through an artificial forest set up near the town for oxygen. He takes her for ice cream two galaxies away and she tries every single strange flavour they have to offer until they both feel sick to their stomachs.

And after, he lets the TARDIS float among the stars. He opens the doors to look out at a galaxy staring right back at them, a mixture of pink and purple hues so bright in contrast to the darkness of space. She rolls forward, gasping, and he scoops her up and out of her wheelchair. She clutches at him, bewildered, as he nears the edge, until he almost throws her out. She gasps, floating, as he grabs her leg to hold her steady. Neve laughs once she adjusts to floating in space, and he looks up at her, remembering how he did this with Amy once, and how many times River would float through space or leap off of buildings trusting that he would catch her.

Eventually, he pulls her back down, until she is sitting on the edge of the TARDIS. He settles beside her, hearts faltering when tears fill her eyes.

"I was wrong. Before," she whispers, resting her head on his shoulder. "Some things are, somehow, still beautiful."

*

After he makes her tea she asks him where she'll sleep.

"Oh, I'm sure she's made you a room around here somewhere."

"She?"

"The TARDIS."

Neve smiles. 

He wheels her down three corridors before they a door falls open. She almost squeals, and he stops in the doorway, chuckling to himself.

"Of course."

She twists to look up at him. "Of course what?"

He pushes her into the room, looking around. A few of the personal items are missing, probably moved to their room, for the sake of his daughter's sanity. But everything else - oh, it's all the same.

"This was your mum's room. Before we shared one, from her perspective."

Neve wheels herself to the middle of the room so that she can look around, old, tired eyes ingesting everything. When she turns back to him, she is smiling.

"This'll do just fine."

*

He leaves her on her own for a few hours, giving her some space. A day of adventures across time and space doesn't make up for everything he's missed, he knows, but he almost hopes that, someday, she will come to understand how it is one of the only things he can give her. He has all of this endless, infinite time stretching ahead of him. It would have been everything to share it with her.

*

When he seeks her out again, he finds her sitting in bed, looking through some of her mother's old things. Library receipts and revision notes, draft questions for her doctoral thesis, photographs of her and her classmates and some of her and him. She's crying, quietly, just tears drifting down her cheeks as her fingers press against the photographed form of River's face.

"Come here," she says, without looking at him.

The Doctor follows her order without question. Moves over so that he can sit by her knees, looking down at River's things in her lap.

"She was... amazing," he murmurs. "Your mother."

Neve smiles. "I know. And a long, long time from now, you'll see her again."

His throat tightens. "Spoilers."

Neve laughs, gathering all of River's things in her hands and moving them to rest on the bedside cabinet, before she reaches out to grip his hand.

"You know, when I was younger, I was always happy. So happy. And I'm happy I have those memories. I loved Amy and Rory like they were my parents," she murmurs, and when he looks away, she pinches the skin of his hand so that he yelps and glares at her. She grins. "But I loved my real parents in such a different way. Do you understand what I'm saying? There was nothing normal about my life. Not for one moment. I was important."

"Of course you are," he says, tugging on the end of one loose, wispy curl. "Neve Song. The last of her kind, after all."

It hurts his hearts. So much. To look at her and know that this is the end of the Pond family, that his daughter is the last thing left of Amy. And that River had been the first Song - such a beautiful, wonderful one - and that Neve is the last. He cups her cheek so that he can lean forward and kiss her forehead. He takes a sharp breath after because he can _smell_ it on her, all of the time swirling around her and how it's ending. In this moment. He shifts back, not to leave, but she misreads him and reaches out to clasp his wrist. 

"Dad?"

His hearts swell so much they clutter all of the space in his chest.

"Yes?"

"Stay with me. I don't want to die alone."

He chokes back tears while he takes her hand, smiling at her reassuringly.

"Oh, Neve Song," he murmurs. "You were never alone."

****

He doesn't sleep right for fifty years, after he watches his daughter fall asleep and fail to wake again.

Later in his timeline, he will go to Trenzalore, and he will befriend all of the children there. He will grow old and wither just like a human and stare at his wrinkled hands and remember how his daughter's looked as their grip grew slack against his own. 

Finally, he will know what it is like, to be on the brink of death like Neve had been, like her mother before her, and be perfectly okay with it.


End file.
